Tonight I went into our home office and grabbed the first comic book I could find. Guardians of the Galaxy #18. Based on the cover art alone, the Guardians are the poor man's version of The Avengers.
There is this big guy with HUGE muscles, shirtless of course, smiling. A lady in a spandex suit with abnormally pointy breasts. There is a guy similar to Captain America, shield and all. Although, this guy has a flowing viking red beard and hair. Next to him is an older muscle tank shirt wearing man. Oh! You know who this guy looks like? The dad from "Orange County Choppers." Yep, that's totally it. Finally there is this blue butterfly man in the sky. His wings look transparent. I would say he is the weakest link just based on well his transparent butterfly wings. Even the lady in spandex has a freaking gun.
Now I am going to read this issue and will post my thoughts below.....
-I am already lost. What does 'anomalous fissures' mean? I do not speak nerd.
-These dudes are referred to as Cosmic Champions. Huh, well that sounds like some weird orgy gang.
-Instantly it starts with a fight. They are fighting "lab rats." They look like people to me, not mutated fighting rats a la Splinter from the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" (heroes in a half shell, turtle power!).
-Starhawk aka Blue Butterfly (this is how I will refer to him) is so trying to be Dr. Manhattan (thank you "Watchman" movie for the Dr. Manhattan reference).
-Radical. Blue Butterfly also sparkles.
-Weak Sauce. All the dudes have ridiculous names and the blonde girl is named Nikki! Nikki with two k's and an i. Give me a break.
-Hmmm...seems Orange County Chopper dad use to be an Avenger. I bet Iron Man kicked his old ass out of the group (is Iron Man an Avenger? Is he really like Robert Downey Jr. plays him? If so I would totally hang out with him).
-New development. Apparently I missed this but they fell into the sun, are alive now but maybe were dead and are now joined by a talking dog similar to Doug from "Up."
-Dog aka Doug 2.0, "Yarf-Yarf. Cosmo want to go to park! Cosmo want to chase ball and squirrels." Very similar to "Up"...just saying Pixar you might have a case on your hands...
-Ok seriously, what the hell? All of a sudden now I am with new peeps: a Bug Boy, someone named Peter and a green long haired naked baby. Oh yeah and Doug 2.0 (Cosmo).
-Nikki, with two k's and an i, is super shocked to find out Orange County Chopper dad can fly.
-It appears there are two teams, the Guardians and the others (just like "Lost") which consist of the new peeps mentioned above. They are all fighting some tripod thing.
-Time Travel. This is some "Lost" shit.
-I think I just stumbled upon my favorite frame and dialog of the whole book. The scene: both groups have just fought off the tripod, it is steaming from death in the background. Nikki, with two k's and an i, is standing looking at it, giving it what appears to be a thumbs up. Blue Butterfly is posing in the sky, still sparkling. Muscle smiley guy is running towards the front of the frame at what appears to be the same speed as Doug 2.0. Orange County Chopper dad is flying above the smoking tripod. Bug Man is trying to pawn naked green baby off on a Punk Hero with red, white and blue hair. Finally, new old guy, from the others, is talking to Viking Captain America and says the following: "Wow. That's just about the coolest thing I've ever seen anybody do with their clothes on, young man." Aaaaaaannnnd scene.
-Ugh lame. The Others, their group is called Butt Kickers of the Fantastic. Ugh.
-Ha, oh. They are also named Guardians of the Galaxy. Here is where I forgot about that little time travel thing. Old dude is just playing it cool. He doesn't want to blow their minds just yet.
-Famous name drop: Orson Welles.
-Now we are in what appears to be an alternate reality. This writer must really love "Lost."
-Blue Butterfly is soooooo sparkly! Apparently in the alternative reality or other future, Blue Butterfly was/is a girl.
-Now this is some Benjamin Buttons shit! "You've become anomalies, foreign bodies. The timestream's rejecting you. You will continue to age in these random ways until you cease to be." Spoken so eloquently as only a Blue Butterfly could.
-An Avengers reference. A time machine reference. An old man joke, all in one frame.
-Damn! Now we are having a "Back to the Future: Part One" moment. Remember when Marty started to vanish? Well Punk Rock Hero is starting to vanish in the exact same way. Mind blown.
-The Avengers use to play poker on Friday nights.
-Mud Man aka The Thing, owes Orange Chopper dad a thousand dollars.
-AAAARROOOOGA, THKOOOMMFF - According to my husband this is typical of comic book onomatopoeia.
-Just as they find the time machine, a flash of yellow light appears and BAM! Time travel/change. Hmmm...sounds eerily like "Lost" season 5.
-The Others have just transported to a new time and are gazing up on a large statue of an Evil Adam Warlock...."Lost"...cough cough.....four toe statue.....
-Well it seems the new world the others jumped to isn't so great. They are fighting some people once again. So it starts with a fight and ends with one.
Holy hell, I thought that would never end. So there you have it. My thoughts on Guardians of the Galaxy #18. Good night!