Thursday, June 2, 2011

50 Girls 50

Guess what's back? Back again? Kacie's back to review na na na...In tonight's blog I decided to review a comic book my husband will be reviewing on his weekly podcast, The Two-Headed Nerd Comicast.

The lucky comic to be reviewed is....drum roll please....50 Girls 50 #1 from Image Comics.

-The cover has what appears to be space-girl-fembots (remember the fembots in Austin Powers? Yeah like that but in space suits, scratch that, sexy space suits).
-Behind the bots is a space rocket, I feel that is probably symbolisim. For what you ask? Oh, I don't know, maybe a PENIS.
-I am already sold on page one. They are already throwing out "hell" and "bitch." I am in!
-So I am sure I missed some back story here because it starts out with two fembots being frightened or terrified by some talking lobster-esq dragon oozing slime. Nope, I did not, this is issue one... Christ.
-The bots shoot at this creature and then slide around in its 'guts?' There's a bunch of... Hold on I need to ask my husband the correct term for the name of this.... Onomatopia! Including: BZZT! and SPLSSH!
-Oh no, the bots don't think this is going as planned. Tension!
-Meanwhile on "Earth-Space"....WHAT the hell does "Earth Space" mean?!....
-Okay, not going to lie, I have drank a lot of wine and words like 'wormhole' are meaning something totally different to me right now than they should be.
-So sumary of this page; the setting looks like NASA headquarters and Times Square, there's mention of something about wormhole travel, and because of that "something" the scientists sent super-sexy fembots into space to figure this shit out. Apparently these bots are not only totally smoking hot with the best boobs ever, they are also the "greatest scienfitic and military minds our world has to offer, regardless of gender." Preach it.
-Seriously page four starts out with a shower scene. Really? So sexy fembot is showering while she is summoning Officer Bakula (holla Scott Bakula of "Men of a Certain Age")
-Oh wait, SHE is Officer Bakula. What a twist!
-One of the bots looks like a young Grace Jones.
-They are now all talking about how great they and their mission are as they approach "Earth-Space"... ie home.
-I just learned wormhole travel limits them to 50 crew members. 50 HOT crew members.
-These girls are like the space version of the Pussycat Dolls.
-Oh snap! Something is very wrong here. They are heading to a planet that is not Earth.
-Officer Bakula is looking perplexed.
-Damn 6 hours in and they are still not at this not-Earth-Space-planet. That is the longest space travel ever. #sarcasm
-I think Officer Ramnarain aka Janelle, and long haired brunette bot are in love.....ahhhhhh.
-The hot ginger commands Officer Bakula to "suit up!" and go check this "new-not-Earth-Space-planet" out.
-I want officer Bakula to yell "I object!' (Legally Blonde shout out, in da house)
-Man down, or should I say fembots down! Janelle and Officer Bakula are crashing into the unknown planet.
-Oh my hell I am only 6 pages in.
-So the two ladies decide to suit up even more and go check outside their crashed ship. Apparently something in the air is eroding plastic on the ship. Gasp! Their helmets, belts and even the stiches are all plastic on their suits. Their clothes are going to erode (of course).
-Meanwhile back on the main ship... The rest of the Pussycat Dolls have determined "Something in that soup caused the ship to disappear. Two officers are now MIA." (cue dramatic music here).
-So back to the beginning when the bots were swimming in goo/slime, it appears it is happening all over again. Officer Bakula, "I spent so long cleansing myself of this damn trip and now..." All I can think of is South Pacific and the song "I wanna wash that man right out of my hair."
-Phew...apparently Janelle says the goo is just mud. Relief.
-Bah! The mud is melting off her suit.
-Oh wait it didn't melt off her entire suit just her sleeves. She has major guns. Guns as in muscles (pervert).
-Something just stole the gun they had right out of Janelle's hand. Now they are screwed and losing clothes by the second.
-How is this not soft-core porn?
-Now there are giant bugs after them.
-Oops..there goes Bakulas pants. Give me a break.
-In these short few minutes their ship has been taken over with what appears to be moss.
-All of a sudden the stomach of Bakulas suit is missing and I can see under-boob. Please...
-Andddddddd.... Butt-shot of Janelle hot wiring the ship. Ok, seriously?!
-Just because they use big science words to describe what is going on doesn't distract me from the fact that they are pretty much naked. This is ridiculous, even for me.
-So Janelle is the MacGyver of the the two. She is using moss, boxes, wires, and guns and making something awesome to help them escape.
-BAM! Escaped foiled due to bug on board.
-Damn that bug is ugly. Actually it looks like a squishy T-Rex with no arms (do the creep ahhha do the creep).
-Oh man, Bakula delivers such a Will Smith action movie line..."Did I mention I hate bugs?!"
-By the way there is a lot of under-boobage going on while she is attacking said bug.
-During this time Janelle "MacGyvered" something to contact the fembot mothership.
-Side note, the ship they are on is called 'Savannah.' Dumb.
-Janelle, "We've encountered hostile lifeforms and our weapons have malfunctioned. Both myself and Officer Bakula are accounted for, but some solvent in the atmosphere dissolved all plastic parts in the shuttle and equipment (and your clothes, sluts? - me)"
-The brain trust of Ginger, Grace Jones, hot lesbian and other are working on the away team's extraction.
-Page turn...GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Seriously? If i wanted to see naked girls I would look at Blake Lively's fake/real?-nude photos (NSFW). So now Janelle and Bakula are in full attack mode wearing cave-women bikini's. Pardon me, cave-women-thong-bikinis.
-All of a sudden, out of the ocean (forgot, there's an ocean) rises a large crab. Seems fitting.
-With their half naked bodies they spear the mutant crab, but it's shell explodes and out births tiny-nasty-ass-mutant-sand-crab-creatures.
-Ha! One is crawling up Bakula's leg... Insert STD joke.
-Somehow while being chased by std's they managed to extract their ship's equipment and use the hollowed out mutant crab shell as a possible escape pod ("escape pod" courtesy of my husband).
-Crafty ladies, I tip my imaginary hat to you.
-The crafty girls then find a tank of "mono-molecular hydrogen", which looks like a penis especially when Janelle is inserting it as the engine for the new make shift ship. Mind you, it was being rammed into place in a sexual fashion.
-Blurgh, is this over yet?
-Why bother having Bakula even in clothes now. I mean her top is pretty much pasties at this point. Side note, Bakula has to rescue Janelle who is now hanging upside-down from a rope hanging from the make-shift-crab-shell-ship. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Of course she is rescued and they embrace whilst scantilly clad.
-Space bugs (in space this time) are approaching the crab-ship even though they are mere feet from their space ship... Almost rescued and yet still losing even more clothing.
-Okay, now they are topless and the fembots from "Savannah" (the mothership) are throwing them a rope to climb aboard.
-I will admit their breasts are spectacular.
-They made it aboard!! Ahoy chesty matees!
-But wait..there are still wormhole issues, but it's okay. They are "Earth-Space" bound, again.
-We end with a shower scene, just like we started.
-WAIT!!! WTF! Bakula sits in the corner of the shower sobbing saying she cant do this anymore and a mutant octopus tentacle comes towards her telling her "she can". Oh my damn.... To be continued....

So overall my review is, why read soft-core porn comics with lots of science jargon when there's plenty of free internet porn (including fake/real? shots of Blake Lively nude (( she's in Green Lantern, nerds)) out there?

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